More than the numbers

Of late, there has been a thought on my mind: What does it feel like to do nothing?
I don’t think I really remember it anymore.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I actually feel guilty if I’m not thinking of something (usually this blog), working on something (usually this blog), or adding new experiences to my life (often material for this blog) at any given waking moment. This guilt is actually quite tiring and eats away at me.

Which explains why I’m here writing instead of doing nothing. Ha. Ha. Ha… =___=

I’m also quite stressed because the blog seems to be getting more daily visitors lately. You’re probably puzzled. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

Well, yes, of course. I’m happy that more people are reading my little blog!

But at the same time, I feel like I have to keep up with “demand” (actually I don’t even know what this demand is exactly…) and keep writing good posts lest people go “Cheh, her blog is so boring now!” and decide to stop reading :(

When google analytics show that the visitor graph is climbing, I’m ecstatic for a while, before realizing I am so much more tense to see the numbers the next day. If it maintains or goes up, I’m happy, but the cycle repeats itself for the next day, the day after, and all the days after that.

If the number of visitors drops, my heart plummets along with it. You have no idea the crushing feeling of seeing the graph climb for a few days and then drop to a new low the next!!! It feels like I reached for the sky and with a surge of joy, thought I caught the clouds. Then the moment of shocking revelation as my hand closed around emptiness and I watch the clouds escape my hand while I crash back to reality.

Sometimes I actually secretly wish the numbers don’t go up so that I don’t have to face the disappointment of seeing it fall.

But now that I think about it, I think I have more “one-time” readers than “loyal” readers? I think many people find my blog because of several random posts of mine that turn up as top search results in google. They’re like FIRST RESULT kind of top ok! I’m actually quite proud about it LOL First result on google leh! (if you’re curious, this this and this are some of my posts that gets the most hits from searches)

I think people who enter the blog via these posts are usually one-timers. They get the info they want and then never come back again.

If my hypothesis is true, then it’s actually normal to have fluctuating visitors from day to day then… hmmm. So that means I’ve exhausted myself on this roller coaster of emotions, for absolutely no reason at all. Wonderful.

Another bad habit I feel I’m starting to have is that I’m obsessed with this blog. I’m thinking about it almost every other minute. What new post to write. If it will be well-received. If I should even write it in the first place. How to write better. How top bloggers became top bloggers. What it will take for me to reach there. Will I even make it. Should I even try and get there. It’s getting insane. Is this how people go mad?

I think I got caught up with the numbers google analytics was flashing at me. It was totally reeling me in to try and best myself. My competitive streak means I usually don’t allow myself to back down from a challenge, even if, or perhaps, especially if it’s from myself.

I should recall why I keep this blog.
To document down my experiences and my thoughts.
To share them. With my future self, if no one else.

It didn’t start out as a number game, and shouldn’t become one, as tempting as it may be. It’s easy to get side-tracked, but I hope I won’t forget… too often, heh.

Phew! Ok, I feel better now! This is like a detox session for my brain lol.